Reminiscing

Reminiscing about my old life,


I miss the eyelinear
I miss the black clothes
I miss being messy and dont really care about shit of what people are talking about

Now all that is changed. Feel like an adult now.

Yes i am an adult now

Im starting to carry the burden on my shoulder (and yes giving a hell of a back ache too)
Im thinking about marriage. Thinking of starting a family. Thinking of having children
Thinking of buying new house, car, bike.
Thinking about money(and tend to fight about this too)

Where are the good old days,
Am i too young to feel this way?
22 and still wants to enjoy life before she missed out

Raya

This year not so much feeling for Raya, even i have 5 days off from work

Sitting here in front of my sister's laptop, writing this down what it's in my mind

I told ayun yesterday i never regret that i met him
Today i felt that i wish i could turn back time and just never met him

or

I wish i had a really bad accident and when i woke up i forgot him totally forever and ever

I am STILL the worst girlfriend ever. At times i never appreciate him and kept yelling at him.

It used to be, when i see him face i would just forget about everything and smile
The warm fuzzy feeling that i had before is gone now
If i have a bad day it remains that i have a bad day, with or without him

Ayun has been so patient with me all this while.

I wish i can stop this. I wish i have the courage to tell him to get out of my life, cuz i dont deserve such a wonderful guy like him

sleepless

Lately im having trouble of sleeping. Too much late nights till morning is my sleeping time. its 6 am as im writing this and im trying hard to survive the day so i can sleep at night, like normal again.

yesterday was like heaven. I havent seen dawn in a very, very long time. even thought my dawn is kl view, but i reminds me why im so blessed to be alive. riding the bike with ayun, riding back to our place in the middle of the morning rush, even though we do not speak, but i felt the "romance"

R.O.M.A.N.C.E

i havent felt that in a very long time. I dont really feel the passionate love between me and ayun anymore. The feeling that we, or i felt before. The feeling where he brush his hand gently to mine can make me fall. But now, every touch is normal. every kiss is not special anymore. I guess in the long run coming to 7 years of relationship can dry things up.

He's been pretty close to a girl, which i have no idea who she is,all i have is her name and i viewed her photos in ayuns FB. i dont ask much as always. Is he trying to make me jealous? Am i jealous?

Do you watch Desperate Housewife?
There's a character in Desperate housewife. Lynette Scavo.Out of all the women in Desperate Housewife, i can relate to her the most. I see me as her. Working hard, working my best, trying to please everyone but me. Countless sacrifices to the husband so they could be happy. But she always not happy. Always not satisfied. Thats me.

Thats how i feel right now.

a year +

a year passed since my last post. can you imagine it, a year just gone away.

A year full of emo-ness, my ups and down.

and i dont know where to start.

this is my blog

My blog is just depressing, just full of sad shits and angry words.
My blog is like my diary now.

I've done proposal for the camp. Finally!
I already send it to KLMU's SIFE leader, fareez. he will alter it abit,
and then submit. But at the same time we're going to do marketing.
And fareez have this vision of 150 students will join. its like..alot

We had some pretty cool new ideas for the camp, dodgeball is one of it. Fareez came out with the idea. I think he went to a seminar, or a meeting and met the dodge ball Malaysian association or something, im not quite sure about how he met the dodge ball team.

I felt like crying. haha seriously. I feel so sad,remembering back about some stuff.
Like amy was fucked up angry with me because i used her laptop. And she wont me bring her laptop anywhere. So i had to delay the proposal.And not to mention have to push back the date to a later time.

Someone asked me, why am i doing this project, my name is not there anyway, im just using ayun's name, and later ayun will get all the credit.
Its like this, ayun's college have this club called SIFE (Student In Free Enterprise) and when i went to the camp i met the KLMUC's Sife president (Fareez). and then i got interested.Now my college is small to start up the club,moreover my college is just like short course and part times students.

Now i decided to do this project, more of copy and paste, the camp. Same site, mostly same activities, althought we do add
more exciting activities. And what the hell im busying my ass of doing this project?
just 1 thing:

Self accomplishment.

I felt so good, so happy that i am finally doing something, but still my family, and my lecturers, think i am wasting my time. maybe, but not for me. This is what i want to do, i focus with all my heart and energy to do this, and hopefully it might work out. I never felt so energize in my life doing something.
And i am sad. I feel happy and i feel sad, both at the same time.
Happy because im finally doing something right in my life
And sad because my family dont see it that way.
Still, i dont need to prove to them in anything
I am just going to do this, for myself. For my only self and not for anyone else.

Haha but i cant do all of it alone, i do need some help from other people... what i mean is that, the proposal, i did the proposal by myself.

yeah whatever. i just follow the flow.

21

In a few days time i will be 21. And i think this year, my birthday will suck.

My mum is not talking to me since the day i told that my handbag is missing,she said that she had given up hopes on me. and im not talking to her too.its her choice. And if i say sorry it doesnt make any difference

Im 21 but i felt like i stuck in a kids feelings. When i was a kid i felt such an adult because i already felt alot of feelings, like depression and loneliness.

On my birthday [monday 16march] i'll be doing my ic. This is the 6th time. pathetic huh.

Im trying my best to finish up the proposal,and on monday too i'll go to ayun's college and bentang proposal. Im not sure they (ayuns friends) are going to do practical joke on me like trowing tepung and telur (ayun kena on his birthday) all ....i want on my birthday i just a small party. Its been years i've had a party with my friends, always with my family , ayun or no one at all

Its depressing talking about this. I cant even buy cupcakes for myself for my birthday!

the moment

Have you ever felt, that you had a problem, but you dont know whats the problem?
I feel that way

Most of my life i felt so depressed.
Even when i was a kid i felt the pang of loneliness.
I was the outcast, people bully me around
I didnt know how to stand up for myself.
I dint have a "voice" back then, i just cry and wept it away.
I was always sick, didnt have much friends and the friends that i have takes advantage of me, staling my things, because i can always get expensive notebook..well not expensive but at least most of my schoolmate cant afford it

When i was a kid i thought i was an adult, because the pain, the feelings that i felt, maybe only one in fifty kids felt it back then.. they dont have to see their parents fighting mostly everyday, they dont have to see the tears of their mother crying and grieving.And i was always sick, i always felt needy of someone. I didnt have any friends, and when i grow up i felt desperate. and when im an adult now, i felt that im stuck in a kid life. [ mcm cerita benjamin buttons je? ]

Now i have Ayun. He is the best lover and a friend i will ever have. I can never have someone to bitch about anything, he likes to bitch with me, and he likes to listen to my lousy and long story, he likes to make me laugh even thought i was crying. I always cry. I asked ayun when he was a kid, did he felt the pang of loneliness.. he said yes.. because his parents was always not around. Ayun and i, are like total opposite world of life, but we share almost the same feelings. And we share mostly everything we have, our stories, our life, our money etc.

I am a very emotional girl. But i am also very passionate. I am passion about the things that i like, the things that i see, the things that i love.

When the feelings, the loneliness feelings come again, i just say "hello, welcome back." it doesnt matter now, most of the time i try to ignore, but sometimes, i just welcome it to my heart, and cry my tears out.

So this is stories about me, mostly in my blog are boring, crappy depressing-stories of me.


gah

Suppose

I was suppose to do a surprise cupcakes for ayun but i think i might cancel it. Yesterday i lost my handbag. sial gila. i even curse and say fuck to every msg that i sent to my sister.i have no money now, well i have its in the bank but i dont have atm card.

Ayun and i fight again yesterday, obviously its my fault, or his. He just reached KL and being an eager girlfriend, she just wants to see her bf. but bf have no mood like that, and she was worried like hell. bf didnt say he wants to go home and rest and hangout with family so gf sedih why bf x nak jumpe?and we have the silly fight he sais he'll stay at bandar tasik selantan if gf dont come, so gf come with her broken stupid fucked-up scooter.he still thinks i keep secrets from him and i scream the secret surprise that i want to do for him.anger. i was really angry. I dont know what i havent told him yet, i think i blurp out everything to him, about my life, my past, my hopes, my future, my addiction, every single thing that i feel, he knows it all. and its sad that he didnt want to share it with me too. from bandar tasik selatan to kajang on the stupid bike, somewhere along i musta have lost my handbag. tried to retrieve it but could find it anywhere. so offically my days will sucks again

Times like this i wonder if ayun ever love me, or what would happen if we're not together. surely he can find a better girl, and maybe i'll stay single. or im not around anymore. Life always suck so i have to suck it up. i always have to suck it up because thats the only thing i can do, and thats the only saying i always say when life gets me down;
Life is such a bitch, but suck it up.

Ive been wondering if the counseling,does it help me actually?
i feel that i am back to square 1.

nothing new

since febuary i've been

-I've skipped 2 weeks of classes
-I've been sick
-I've been feeling like shit again
-Trying my best to be better
-Doing sudoku
-Reading The Lore of Light so i can have a little bit of faith again
-Selling dockers wallet
-Got a seller wanted to buy ten but i think its a scam
-gaduh dgn ayun when my intention is good
-keep a secret from ayun and i cry in front of him cuz i cant tell him
-my sister was like being possessed, keep on being mad at me [but it figures,it does always happen,and i just try my best to be patient]
-weekend is so boring
-staying at home gives me nothing but headache's
-a internet freak again cuz i dont know what do to
-feeling a little bit lost&confused again

gah. so nothing else is new.

the days

i hate feeling sick. sick means i have to stay home, sick means i cant go out, sick meaning no freedom practically.

And i am sick. i still have to take care of esla thought. And thank god for amy's laptop. i'm beginning to feel like smacking the CPU cuz the internet connection too slow. stupid uh.

ok i dont know what to write cuz im kinda blur, with this headache and cold. *sigh*

kak jackie just came back from south africa and she buy me this really cute [althougth simple] bracelet. better than nothing huh

gah.

the morning coffee

When i was young, i used to smell the morning coffee that my mum made everyday..
The morning coffee just reminds me how innocent and naive i was when i was young, even there was a lot of problems, some how its just seems so far, and seems so small.

Now that my parents doesnt drink coffee anymore, i miss the smell.
The smell of my innocent,my naive time.

Now im going to be 21. 21 is like, adult. and still i have a lot of problems. Accidents, boyfriends, studies. problems after problems. and being me, i just would like to push these problems aside, but in the end they will haunt me again and again

The accident and the feelings make me back to square 1. It feels that i never done anything from last year until now, like i never improve abit in myself. I feel im back to whatever that makes me feel like shits.

I cried after the accident not because i hit another car, but because of this root. MONEY. Not everything in life is for free.. and Money is the root of all evil people say. People would steal for money, would do anything for money. Somehow i feel that way. Im not going to steal, rob, sell my body or sell drugs to get money. No no no. But i have to work for it. and work is hard.All i can work is to become a promoter. And all i get is just shits. Seriously,i have to have a sweet mouth to attact people to buy whatever product that i have to sell. And i'm just the kind of girl thats too honest, i should put it that way

I never give a thought of what people might say to me. But within my family members whatever they say its just like..it counts. every say, it counts.

Now im feeling suckish cuz i have to find money to cover up the holes. some are big and some are small, but a hole is still a hole. you cant live in a house where they are holes everywhere and u try to avoid it. Well It doesnt, for me.

I missed of the morning coffee. I used to be so free, so innocent, so naive, never have to think of problems, especially when problems come running to me.

Life is such a bitch.

And i have to suck it up.Like always

over-reacted

Ok i maybe overreacted about yesterday.
I admit the accident is partly my fault.
But it wasnt my intention to hit the car.
Who wants too,
Plus the lady is a bit retard too. opps.
sorry i said that but i still think she is

So today my plan is to claim insurance
grr. i have to go to the government clinic.
maybe i can get rm100?

whatever it is, i want to settle it

Maybe i can get some part time job *this is what i hate for the moment being. i dont want to work* or maybe sell some of my stuff.. wait.. what stuff do i have?
ok forget about it. i just wait for the moment to take its course

I LEARN A LESSON.
That everybody is not nice as they might have seen
The first time i hit a car it was an indian. I was so scared he might hit me but he's as sweet as he can be.Gentleman.
The seond was a chinese girl and i think she might have known that i was in a deep shit because she see me i just cant stop crying
And the yesterday accident, was a malay lady, wearing a long "tudung" and she can lose her temper at me. from all these people, i expected the malay lady would be calm.guess i was wrong

IT just shows that people have different personalities
And all people are not as nice as they may seems
and not as helpful as it may seems

And god, in a way just want to show me this i guess.

I was so happy doing the camping plan,thinking that i want to give back to the community, i felt so good about myself, felt so proud what im going to do, but then, BAM, i felt miserable the next.

colour

Do u know there's this ring, that can change colour if ur emotion change? well i dont need ring to figure out mine, or anyone else would agree with me too

white is when i feel peace and serene
black is when i feel down
blue is when i feel sensitive
yellow is when i feel joyful
peach is when i feel cheeky
red is when i feel fierce
green is when i feel soothing
noen green / blue is when i feel energetic
grey is when i feel like crying
purple is when i feel energetic

this the day i feel all coulour together just mixed up.
Yesterday i help around with ayun's project and proposal. nothing much but just make out lousy work and comment bout the stupid budget report.
Even so,
yesterday i felt happy and alive. I made a whole timetable for a camp. Well i wish i can call it my camp. But its just an idea of what i feel what a camp should be, even wrote down the hours and the activities and such. But this might not be my camp. It's KLMU upcoming SIFE and GEW camp.


[i really wanna make it short. Well i join KLMU and UiTM camp from SIFE and GEW on 13th to 15th Febuary 2009. I had a blast even though people might call it lousy, i even experince the first time orang kena histeria you. And the project manager would like to do it again so i just had a n idea here and there so i scribble it down and see who knows it might work]

well i had a lot of ideas.. even so they might edit it, to improve camp of course. Even so i just like to see the upcoming events.

ok continue.. well i was happy to write down all my idea's and help ayun around till i reach home at 3.30 am. I felt tired like hell but im so happy. Even 3 hours of sleep is was more than enough for me. I felt giddy at college, suddenly i just fel so energize and talk3.

cut the story short.

i had a minor accident [what.the.fish? what.the.hal? what.the.star???????la kan.. dah brape kali aisyah accident ni]. Its not like i intent to break and langgar die. first. i was in the right lane. MOTORBIKE LANE IS ON THE FAR LEFT PEOPLE. I WAS IN MY FREAKING LANE. This car was a bit to close to the side, its ok i understand that she wants to turn to masuk sunway semenyih what the fuck me too la kan. then the bike in front of me like..swift abit. I suddently realise that there was sand and stones on the far left of the road. FOR GOD SAKE I TRY TO BREAK SLOW BUT THE SAND JUST CAUGHT MY TYPE. for all dont know, IM USING A SCOOTER. and scooter have a WIDE TYRE. so my tyre "eat" alot of the sand, so i fell, and I DID TRY TO TURN TO THE OTHER SIDE so i wont hit the car BUT IT WAS TOO LATE. so.. i scratch the car.

Ok i take the fauly i langgar her.
FIRST. i did not intend too
SECOND she didnt want to admit she was a bit too near to the left
THIRD the car that i hit got 2 3 cars infront of her, its not like shes turning soon, so next time STAY FAR AWAY FROM THE LEFT SIDE AS U POSSIBLY CAN. PEOPLE READ THIS AND REMIND YOURSELF
FORTHBila dah kena accident, bila keluar daripada kereta, sila jangan marah dulu boleh x. Aku bukan budak hingusan first time kena accident. Indian and Chinese dont fuss like u malay kampung la mak cik. kete kena scratch sikit pun nak bagi tahu satu kampung ke?
FIFTHsah2 mak cik ni takot dgn aku mase aku bukak mulot ok. terus menggigil tangan die.. lain kali baik2 la sikit makcik.
SIX Remind myself to cut my licence and never ask me to drive again.






before i nag too much or add in too much information. i should stop here.
thank you.

the liitle girl

There was this little girl, young and naive.
She always wished to the shiniest star
and the beautiful rainbow
that she wants to love,
and she wants to be loved, someone to share her part of her heart with
She grew tired of waiting, and tired of wishing,so she lost faith in believing.

Soon she turn into a young women,and barely even know what is "love" all about
But she felt that, she was in love... sadly the boy didn't want to share his part of his heart
She was bummed, but she got over it, later when she was in high school, she looks at boy after boy and just wishing that they share they heart with her, but never came to happen.

Her heart bleed, but it heals quickly.She was still young and naive,but soon she found out that this was only a "crush". she wonder why people give that name, maybe because she feel crushed after admitting she was in 'love'

Soon she became a young adult, and she started to fool around.Later she found a way to get to know boys better ; internet. she joined mirc and began chatting. She felt ugly because no one respond to her, so she was anonymous in the internet, nobody can see her, and she accept some boy who wanted to be with her, look doesn't matter to her, just so she can share a part of her heart...

But then she met this guy, she was fooling around at first, and the guy fooled around too, She barely know this guy, but she thought he was decent, a diamond in the rough. He never ask about women or girls, just chat whatever they feel like it. She was hooked.
Soon after she met this guy, she thought, simple, not bad for looks, just a bit malayish looking, but she didn't care, he wanted to share his part of his heart to her, so she accept.

A young woman and a young man, barely reach their 20's, but they share their lifetime, and their heart.Soon she became jealous, she compare even the smallest things,and so she became demanding, she only look at his flaws... and this was her biggest mistake, even she doesn't want to admit it at first.

She forgot how special this young man is, how special he is in many ways..she forgot what a great guy he is..

One day,the young man just decided to walked away,and she began to wonder what she went wrong, and she realize it was mostly her mistakes.

When he left, she was thinking that she is free, so free and she can do whatever she wanted to do without the young man stopping her to pursue her wishes, she can pierce anywhere she want, she can do tattoo if she wanted too, nobody can say no, not even her parents, she know her parent will just gradually let go of her and she realize that...

She was losing a part of her. She doesn't really matter what she can and cant do, she just beginning to miss his touch, his soft kisses, his warm hug. She doesn't give a second thought now about her freedom, she just want him back. And she pleed and beg,for him to return, and he didn't willing at first, even she knows she still in his heart, and she promise to change herself, a better image of her. And he agreed.

Thats the story for the little girl, who is a lady now, or a woman, reaching her 21st year soon enough and she just want to be happy beside her half. She cant go on being just "half" , walking aimlessly...

Sya and Ayun.I just want to be happy by Ayun's side, walking hand in hand and smiling and do stupid silly and goofy jokes. Whenever i see Ayun's face, even if i had a worst day of the year, he manage still to make me smile, even he's late, even i just had a really bad fight with my parents or my siblings.

But i just cant understand why he still can make my heart beat fast, after 6 years knowing each other, after 6 years of up's and down's. He still manage to make my heart beat like crazy, every time.Now i just feel im living in a dream, where i mend my mistakes, and just grab every moment she can have with him.

I love you Ayun

used to.

I used to have alot of friends
i wonder if they still remembers me
Im browsing thru myspace and only a few keep on commenting me
and it kinda hurts
i used to have alot of friends
and we have fun
they listen to my problems ad i listen to theirs

now i wonder where they go
am i at fault?i seems pretty much think so, because i left them without notice
and when im back they seems to be unwilling
i dont know them anymore,like i used too
they dont know me like they used too
they dont miss me while im gone

friends come and go, but then i cherish them in my heart
i have alot of friends
if i screw up im sorry
please let me ment things up

we have a cup of coffee on me,and we chat like we used too
i miss you.

its not like what u think

There's this girl who grew up in a rural area, and growing up she knows she's different from anyone else.
Her mum always talk in cantonese, even though she doesnt know the words.
she talks with her parents in english, and
she always talk with her other people in malay. whats up with this languages, she use to think.
.Growing up she was always sick, with asthma and she was always hospitalized,
and she remeber the days she was too sick to go to school, often up in the hospital gasping for air.
always eat alot of pills to make breath properly.She never had much friends,
so she always stay at home, reading books, to keep her company. she's a cry baby. She always cry.
She have a diary,and she wrote all her heart in her diary, every moment that she likes and hates,
the crush on boys she had on, the friends who back stab her, and her life in loneliness.

She always dream of a world, a world where she have friends, who laugh and make jokes, not at her,
not at anyone else, but about things that can just make her happy. She wishes silently that her parents stop
fighting, she couldnt bare the yelling and the shouting,she felt hurt inside. Althought at day in school you might
see her smiling and laughing away,but beneath her mask, she's always crying.

Growing up, she alwyas have to go back and forth from Terengganu-KL, she never understand much why her mother
always have to go to her friends house to sell Batik, why her mum needed extra money.All the yelling and
fighting in the car, she felt so helpless, so weak that she couldnt stop the fight. SOmetimes she wished that
she die, her existance would make no more than trouble in this world. She wished her parents were separated, never
even had a chance to met her. She would be happier if her parents never had her. But she never think what of her
parents might think.

people barely notice her,as if she was blend in to the wall, and she, as hard as she try, she will never
get though. As if she was in the dark, searching for the slightest light, a dim light, so she know she wont be alone.
So she wonders in the dark, searching and searching for the light in front of her, she never look back, and strange
enough the light was behind her, following..

she would always be black. One day her mother bought books, the true ghost singapore
stories, and she fell in love. Vampire was her most favourite, such a misterious creature, who hunts blood. She
began to bought books of vampires, of old stories of them, and she reads. She wanted to become one herself. Not
for eternity, just so she can have the pale skin, the fangs, and people would fear of her. Yes she'd like that. Of
people fear of her. She lived in her fantasies. but in reality, people bullied her. she tried her best to stand
up for herself, but always she failed miserably.
So that, she started to wear black, started to know goth and went online all for the wrong reason. she was
finding love, desperate for it.

ok fine i ran out ideas how to write about younger me.

i'm not angelic, but im not a devil
i'm not faithful,but that doesnt mean i dont love Allah
i never ask, but i always get
and what i ask, i'll never get
some people trust,some people dont
some forgive and forget, and some forgive and never forget
i make mistakes, so do you.
but,
i'm just a human, just like you

bleh

Shit day today.
I supposely to go do my ic licence bla3
but mum had other priorities. like, getting a tenent for my sister's apartment
so i had to go there there and entertain some people
actaully it was suppose to be my sisters job but she had to take care of her baby
so i was like , well to say im kinda suck if i want to be a Realtor agent.
anyway still got cut deal with a german guy and quite good rent money like previous owner

then went to my other sisters house in putra height...then my sister and my mum went arguing about this and then, i had to get out from the house because too much tension (im still feeling the tension,maybe i should take a shower) senang cerita, we lepak there and we got to go some other places and all then balik2 je dah pukul 8 lebih

and i still havent do anything today. im like a goat today, following around.
Its ok, i mean, of course i hate to be a goat, but then i got to take care of else, and i got some pocket money from kak jackie..

but today my classmates were going to do a discussion about paper 3 and 4 which i've not yet sit for the exam.. and too tell u its frustrationg to waste a whole day today. plus i have work on weekends and stuff so its kinda like i dont have time for anything.i give u some scenario

scenario number 1: afternoon class(1.30)
i wake up at 10, get ready, leave at 12 , go to college, its either on time or a little bit early so i can have lunch, and then class finish at 5, dad pick me up at 5.30, reach home at 6.30 then have dinner then daze around then sleep late-late

scenario neumber 2: morning class
i have to wake up at 6am, go with my dad (we leave at 6.45) then pick up some passengers, then bla3 sampai kat lrt bangsar at 8.30 then go to class at 10. if im early i can have breakfast. then at noon after class i have appointment with my shrink at 2 pm.( this week la, next week x tau lagi) then met my dad some where around 5 then go home reach at 6.30 then still daze around and sleep early (because i wake up early)

and during weekend, i work. i have off on monday but its not for long, and bleh i hate it, no time at all to do anything, tomorrow have to wake up early cuz have to teman my sis go to some cosway seminar or things like that

blah. buat next week ajalah. grrrrrrrrrr


(aisyah is kinda pissed off. sorry)
and
(she sorry too she babble nonsense too much)

VW Golf GTI or Volvo C30

well i still have to wait till i work. and im so into these two cars, especially VW GTI golf. i turn my head and without me blinking too, everytime when i see this babe rolling down the road. ohh yea..



VW GOLF GTI




Volvo C30



p/s: by the time i work,im sure they dont produce these cars anymore and it'll be like a lady-who-likes-old-car. lol. mabe i buy a different design or a different type of car... When the right time comes

classessssss

started today. serious lah i need to get up my act together and really do my best to finish everything off this semester. know why? cuz i cant wait to finish it all off. it would be abit heavy, 5subject.but hey..its the same in UiTM anyway, i took 5 or 6 subject, why i cant do it now, yeah everyday got class, and i cant be with ayun much now, maybe once a week. most is twice, depending on my class lah.

he said it would be meaningful if we see each other now and then. much more meaningful he says.And i cant work since class is packed. and i also have to take this english-classes every fortnight, weekends or a whole day. if the class on saturday meaning i only free on sunday.since i cant find any money from doing any jobs,i just have to korek here and there in order to "survive". hopefully i get half from kak jackie and half from mummy and some from papa. i hope.

im watching grey'a anatomy while im typing..Sometimes its so cool to be a medical doctor, to treat rare disease or cases, although at times it is not like that in real life. real life is more gore, and gross.

When i came back from home, there were alot of guys hanging behind my house,also lots of car and bikes. My sister told me that they caught a guy in a house, he broke into a house and the penduduk kepung the house. Turns out that he's a drug addict and there's 4 of them. they already caught 2 guys, meaning there is another 2 guys on the lose. This story might not be accurate so when i know the full information i'll post. oh and my neighbor even told us that they got knifes. they caught one of the guy with dogs and they were police all around.

so yeah its scary. but i have to wake up early tomorrow.. i do hope that this two druggies dont come into my house. funny. i thought my house is secure enough, with the guards and the fence and the neighbour being so nosy, and yet, this is happening. it just proves that,there's no safe place in the world. even if you build a panic room or something. i even myself think now that even talented burglars rob in exclusive place like country heights. i think.
gah
now im scaring my ass out.

yesterday ayun and i went hangout for a while, and lately he's a bit sensitive because he had a little too much problem around him.and i try to be a good sport and stay around. i wish too. i wish i can help him around as much as i can. when he send me back, i cried and began talking nonsense about my family..

and now he's happily hanging with his friends. i have no comment because i am angry.

so now its time for bed. 11.23 pm already.

Wallet gone missing

Gah. typical me. I lost my wallet and i cant find where it is.. I even clean up my room to find my wallet but i cant find it anywhere. geez.

Yesterday i went out with my friends, Yes ayun is along, and we went to pavillion and i bought J.co donuts, for Nuar since his birthday is on the 1st Jan and i didnt see him during his birthday. So i feel bad and bought him donuts. =D
After shisha and hangout i went back quite early,around 10.30 we left. by the time i got home, its around 11.20pm or sumthing like that (can u believe it, i came back early...!!)

So i took out my wallet to pay for the tolls, and then i thought i put back my wallet inside my small stupid bag. Ayun send me back to my house and we were saying goodbye(our goodbye includes alot of kissing and looking like a silly young couple who cant get their eyes off each other). I dont really know if i may have dropped the wallet when i exit the car.. if so then i dont think i'll be able to see the wallet again. I was tired to notice that the wallet its not in my bag. when i came back i place my bag on the couch, then i went online for a while then i went to the kitchen to keep the donuts for mum and amy then i went up straight to bed.


the funny thing is, i regularly check my wallet and my phone before i go to bed. but i didnt bother to check yesterday and it gone missing. tensionnnnnnnnnnnnn

This morning i wokeup and realise my wallet is not around.huh mengamuk la. jeez. if this time its really lost then its the 5th time i'll be making a new ic. and i like the previous photo on my ic. ceria je. bile eksiden muke masam polis pun gelak2 tgk i was smiling ear-to-ear on my ic.

what luck. then again. i hate losing things. especially my wallet. count this as.. like 100000000000000000000000000000th time i lost my things. !@#$%^&*()

mama/papa

geli uh. Couple using Mama /Papa word are so overrated and full of geli-ness. Same goes to mummy daddy, ibu ayah... hey only apply to STUPID COUPLES. not to marriage people. jeeeeeeeeez.geli siotttt
Nuff said.

=)



*contoh sahaja*


(sorry i do not know how to be gedik.for me this IS gedik)

whatever~

seriously, i dont care if my own family is reading my blog and report to my mum.That person will be childish in a way for me, because suke jaga tepi kain orang.

I'm friggin sad because this year i DID NOT CELEBRATE NEW YEAR ANYWHERE. like last year was in sunway lagoon.this year tot of going to MOS (Ministry Of Sound) but x kesampaian. Then the bf ditch the gf and went to Ulu Yam. Gosh seriously the i feel "frust menonggeng"

I seriously have to get myself on my two feet again. Im going well with the counselling (thank god) and hopefully 2009 will be a good year for me, 2007 and 2008 leave me alot of damage (even tho kebanyakan datang daripada perbuatan sendiri) Yes im being pathetic.

I got a work for the whole January until 1st Febuary (did i post this part already?)

I ask the bf to bring me to MOS for my birthday,he said "Insyallah" WTH. he said that because i ask him to bring me to a club?? O_o... and for his birthday (kenapa la bday kite selang 6 hari je) i tot of doing something really special, Insyallah (now this is a right phrase to use). i have some ideas in mind but i keep it to myself. hehe

I didnt get any Christmas present this yeaar =( but its ok, Kak Jackie bought myself a phone. haha. technically the phone is my Christmas present, an early one

I wanted to write ablog about how i felt about my past, but im too tired too think to much.It is already 1.30 am, and my mum wants me to get up at 9am to fix the bike (yeah right. more like i cabut lari to KL...plus i dont believe myself can get up at 9am nowadays)

Damn i feel like wanna smoke again.gagagagaga.

Oh yeah, i really wanna save money and buy myslef a EOS camera. what do u think. i can click2. Which reminds me of...

Mum is going to leave soon, to US again. As much as i want to follow, well i cant, i already extending myself another semester,and after that i can go to US. but then i have to get ready for things, cuz i might be going to UK next, as fast as i can find a sponsor for me , just to pay for my education fees will be fine.

When mum leaves Malaysia, i will leave my house. Not like running away, just rent a room some where and layan blues. I'll come back if i dun have classes and work. I think K.mel and A.Im need space too. So i dun want to intrude them you see

And when i finish my papers, im thinking of doing ACCA straight. But then, not sure also because if i fail any papers i have to pusing balik and repeat. So i tot wanna holiday in US, and maybe haunt Kak Rose to buy me an EOS there or something. Cheaper and better than Malaysia. Rosak boleh tukar baru, plus i miss shopping in US. But then,,studies studies and studies comes first. I already missed out 2 years of my life, why should i miss more? I should just go straight to ACCA after i finish my papers..but US trip is a real tempting one y' know...
bleh.

whateve lah.Just wait fot the right time and see whatever decision i make =DD

ok im going to sleep before i'll be looking like a panda in the morning
hehe

i cant wait too see the bf esok. Dah la dia x bawak org ke Ulu Yam ( lg teruk, x inform langsung) then x bawak sya ke MOS, then 1st jan pun x kuar dgn sya. *sobbbbbb*

boring lah

Yesterday i went for the training for the January job, and they give me a shirt that is quite fit, i think i really have to lose weight from now. it's terrible, im having double chin now..muiyee

After the training i went to see ayun (= and we didnt do nothing much, didnt even watch movie, i didnt have the mood. Plus i was sweating and all, and i was quite cranky. sorry sayang. My mum and my sister went to watch Australia in midvalley, and i didnt join them. Anyway dinner was at pavi, i ate the laksa and then we bought J.co donuts, ok now im donut-crazee. i want to go there another time and eat there, hee.

I remember to promise my friends to buy them J.co donuts if ever i got MARA loan, but sadly i didnt get it..

ok im so blur and my mind is not working straight.heh

yeah,its christmas baby

I never knew that blogspot have this setting so only bloggers can view my blog, from now on, no more pengacau reading and reporting. yahoo (thanks to tg.aishah for telling me.syg mu )

my friend, tg aishah came over and stayed , and i think she's bored with me =( cuz seriously im not a very good entertainer, unless if ayun's around. boo to myself.

Today i went out to my uncle's (uncle Alfred) place and celebrate christmas and i went to Uncle Paul's place. I ate at uncle Alfred but not at Uncle Paul. Every year we usually celebrate at Uncle Alfred's place, and when i went to Uncle paul's place, i became so blur because i didnt know anyone, including uncle paul. Even thought we are related ( i think) i cant even find a piece of my memory seeing his face, and i played Black Jack and i win 3 bucks. yipee.

Right now im tired and i really wanna see Ayun. What's with him that i'm so addicted to see him every single day *sigh*

*i'l edit later cuz nak mandi and cant wait to see my sayangness*

Tom

aww he's sick. batu karang thats why he's having trouble peeing.My mum and my little sis (amy) went to the vet and the vet insert a tube at his..umm..well im not sure what it is called, and pump all his pee.and amy says its unbelievable large amount of pee the vet pump out, and it stinks like hell. now tom is on meds, thats explain why his face looks like puss-in-boots, because he wants to get out from the cage/.plus He doesnt really want to take the meds, he vomit back all the meds, but we paksa him anyway, only 9 days to go until he can see the vet again. *poor tom*

privacy

Sometimes, i like to have my own privacy, from my family. i hate it when someone check my history so to know where i've surf the internet. Dont you just hate this kind of people in your family? not that they just invade my privacy, but even tell my mum about it. if my sister is ok, she doesnt really make a big fuss about it, but yeah, penyibuk always be penyibuk

i got my thumb terkepit with the car door less then two months ago, the day i got high. and its growing so slowly..........seriously.if you can see the picture of my thumb below, you'll see the obvious yellow colour nail. i can actually take it out because its like double layer, but i didnt want too because its still attached to my nail. lol.. what am i blabbing about i also dont know



i had a trip to PD with my college, and it was fun, i cant really tell much about it, because im scared the penyibuk will read, and tell my mum, and its a sad think dont u think. tsk2. my blog is like a private thing which i have to keep it to myself now. i'll figure out a way for the penyibuk not to read.maybe delte my history for this blog. we'll see how it goes. anyone of you have facebook? i upload loads and loads of picture in facebook, and you'll get the idea how fun the trip is. muiiiyeee. i wish i have my own laptop, so people wont bug to see my history *sigh*


my bestfriend tengku aishah maybe staying over at my place tonight and tomorrow night, see how it goes lah, maybe we're going for christmas shopping(when i say this, i mean that she shops alone XP i'm broke).tee hee hee. i thought of like going to melaka for the new year but im not hoping about it, im scared i might not have enuf money....hurm....

PD trip

Damn too much fun
and im still tired XP

sex drug and clubs

ok i steal the title from youth discussion.

Sex is ok, but random sex is so wrong,
Drugs is never ok unless for medical purpose (like people with cancer)
and clubs is ok if youth behave

Seriously, day by day we get things out of hand. Problems from families, and run away to club to have fun, take drugs to forget problems and tomorrow just wakeup with some random chick or random guy beside. GROSS. seriously, we youth are not responsible, hello, AIDS is on the high rise in Malaysia, and girls, we can easily get HPV.
Responsibilities. One you got it, you can never turn back. And most of us just, forget about responsibilities, we usually just follow our heart. ANd most of the time, its stupid and wrong

I;m stupid and wrong too.remember the drugs i took, yeah i got high and wanting to kill myself, what if i'd kill myself, *sigh*, i havent see the wonders of the world yet.

My friend just recently went to UK, and he's from a rich but religious family, and now i heard he's clubbing and drinking. sucks, it hurts to see him. If i had a chance to go to UK, i seriously just dont get into trouble. I'd be so glad my parents can send me there. He just dont realise he's so lucky to get a chance to go there, enjoy life and life life to the fullest. Instead, he waste it

I know another girl, she's from a very rich family, and she have a heart failure or something. Even when she's a baby, the doctor had to operate her heart in order to keep her alive. and she drink. seriously if she's my friend i would slap her. She's just wasting her time, if she just want to die faster i can help her.Like i stab her with a knife or something. TO hear her she's taking drugs and alcohol, it's just sad.

And rich daughter and son are MOSTLY like this. Ada problem sikit, then turn to pills, alcohol, clubs, sex

And this rich buggers starting to irritate me.

Like, seriously

new phone

Abg John lost his phone in China, he was using Nokia Communicator. SO kak jackie gave her phone to him , and i gave back the phone that kak jackie gave to me. So i bought a new phone, sony ericsson k800i.

And yes im in love with my phone. It's my "husband" now
*winks*

shrink

Tomorrow at 3pm.
Im not too proud of saying im going for counseling treatment, instead i feel dreadful if anyone know, it's like im crazy or sumthing, like im going to rehab.

But it does help alot. finally i have somebody to talk to, where i can tell about everything, and hide nothing. and i feel much better. i havent feel like much of smoking today, maybe partly because my tonsil is going again.lol

i had a talk with mum saying i really wanna go to study in UK. She of course support of my idea, but she really like me to go to US. Thats remind me of, she's trying to get my cousin's friends email so i can get to know them, she's trying to "pasang" me with one of them. Its crazy, my cousin is already is 30 plus if im not mistaken, even tho he's staying in California, *ehem, maybe exception if he have a celebraty friend XP* but my mum is like so into the idea, she even call my aunt and talk about this and all. its kinda embarrassing lol. im only 20 still...

bleh.right now i wanna concentrate one thing at a time..
studies, relationship, time and money

stronger&better

well im bored today, i completely waste my time sleeping. i slept around 12.30am, and woke up around 11am. and its raining so i slept again at 2pm or so, then wakeup at 5.30pm. tsk tsk. too much sleep dont u think?

Today nothing, even thought its hari raya korban i feel there is nothing to do. No one to stop by at our house anyway,
im used to it, even in raya. Relatives are mostly chinese, so why bother to come and eat meat, they cant eat meat.

Going back to Terengganu was so much fun. I met all buddies, laugh,jokes and talk about stuff. then i visit the beach and stuff.. gosh i wish i stayed longer. but its rainy season so it wouldnt be much fun. i wish to go back during the middle next year and enjoy the sun. funny huh, i should get use to the rainy cold whether if i wanna go study in UK.

Friday is my appointment for working during the weekend job. I hope i just, you know, stick to this job longer. some more can work in kajang, shouldt be much of a problem, i hope

next semester im going to take 3 subjects. 3 subjects so i can cope, and hope i can concentrate and not fall apart like this year.

smoking, so far its been a week i haven't smoke, but i do cheat abit. i smoke only abit, itu pun with ayun consent. and, i really miss it. like seriously, i know its unhealthy, and ayun kept saying i put cigarettes as my first priority, but he know its not true.bleh. i have to stop for good. but now i feel like a drug addict. like i really want to smoke but i cant. i have to stop

so thats it for today.my mind is rusty today because i havent do much thinking today, i've been so bored because i just still at home, sleep and laze around

i do think my blog is a bit boring because i keep saying about me aje. not like i need to talk bout other people, just that my life is abit.. well, colourful in away, but mostly dull

i wanna be stronger and better, for myself and my life

Pieces of my life

I like to fantasize alot, most of my life is day dreaming. In my earlier years, i always dream that i'd be in better place, what i'd be like if i have another parents, what i wasnt born. hah sound depressing lol
well i'm still dreaming about it, thinking about it, if only my parents gave me away, maybe i'll be better off, even tho right now i;d curse my parents for giving me away.

I'm dreaming now, to have my own car, to drive around and travel. When i went back to Terengganu, i almost cried. I never knew i;d miss it so much, the wind, gently blow my hair, even though it;s "serabut", but i like it. i will always love the beach. Part of my life, and most of my life, i would like to spend it on traveling. driving, flying, walking, sight seeing, all i would love to do. sometimes i just wish im taller and prettier so i can be a stewardess. so i can visit the 7-wonders of the world, see paris, go to anywhere and everywhere.

but this is, just a dream. a dream that i must pursue one day. a dream that i'd hold on until i'll get it.

oh yeah, i also dream that i'd study in UK, seriously im jealous my friends went there to study.huh. i wish my parents is rich. hah. dreaming again.

i'm going to take it the hard way, i wanna work on weekends, next semester i'd only take 3 subjects, and this time i'm going to do it properly. im going to study really hard, and play around less. im going to catch my dream, one step at a time.



when the time comes, i'll leave. i'll leave
everything behind, except for my dreams. Then
i'll fly, fly high to blue sky, and i'll never look back.

Everybody Loves Irene- pit

this is the best to describe my feelings right now.
the part said "She said everything is just a fantasy." is the best to decribe. even thought
everything feels a fantasy, but i know this is reality
and reality, its sucks.thats why i need a fantasy for me to survive...


Something wrong with me.
Can you help me please.
Its gloomy everywhere
I only sit and i stare.

I cant say anything
i cant do anything.
Something i dont know.
Shoot me like an arrow.

She said everything is just a fantasy.
But i need it to set me free.
I know it hurts but im addicted.
Should i leave u when u make me complete.

and now i'm trapped inside the box
now i'm trapped inside the box

i know it hurts but i cant stop,
i know it hurts but i cant stop,
i know it hurts but i cant stop,
i know it hurts but i cant.....


STOP!

sya is shi.sha.ing

picturessssssssssss





of me and ayun shisha
wohoo.

petrol

ok i cant really understand what the government is doing now.is confusing..first of all when the petrol prices shoot up everybody lining up to the petrol station,and not to mention the line is like friggin long, then everybody voice out their "satisfactions" and all. seriously, we Malaysian are really manja. we want everything cheap, the best is free lah, kan?

i always disagreeing government subsidies so much for petrol, because it feel that the rich will get the benefits too. what about poor people who cant afford cars and only can naik bus and train? equally, i feel that the subsidies money is better to spend on making low cost houses and such. plus, i feel government should subsides more on food, because everybody will buy and eat kan? like rice, flour etc
*sigh*

also i think its toooooooooooo much cars in KL. sum times can stuck in the jam for hours and we malaysian are not patient enough, everybody wants to go fast and all.
seriously they should naikkan balik the petrol price so that people wont go out alot with cars.hehe

but then i kinda hate people who starting to use public transportation. last year,whenever i want to go to kl, there are not much people.. except for weekends. now, even weekdays, i feel like so lazy to go out because i know i'm going to get crammed up.. huh

but to be a malaysian, i am glad that the petrol price went down. i can isi minyak and go jalan jalan. lala

sick.sick.sick

i got sore throat yesterday,light headache and a really bad cold and today i feel like wanna pengsan aje.i went to college and did my test and when i was on my way home with train, i sleep all the way, and even when i got home i sleep for another 3 hours. seriously im blur.

i havent say anything about elsa, i dont have her pictures for the moment being. nanti i snap and upload.

oh talkning about it, i got a new phone. tadaaa..

as usuall i did not buy the phone, kak jackie gave this phone to me. She bought this phone in singapore, and too think she give me her N82 (that shes using now) *ehem* im deraming on.maybe i should lost this phone..maybe she might.. ohh aisyah please stop thinking mengarut.

now all i could think off in my head is demam demam demam. i should not think of it, i feel much better after a lovely bath just now.
oh well.
should i go out tonight?
hurmmmmmm

im ok

I came to realise what i did is stupid and wrong, and i am ashamed of myself.
I am very sorry to all if i caused you trouble, and worry you
I guess i let my emotions took me.
For now i wont use my phone, maybe i retrieve my sim back tomorrow.
Actually im just using a crappy phone, which i cant call people (or people call me) cuz the speaker rosak.
(well, i baling this phone too last time)
Seriously, i need to go to an anger management programme
Or maybe i should see a psychiatrist to "fix" me up

Ayun was so patient with me, i always let him down, but he is always here beside me. Im so grateful i have a wonderful and patient boyfriend like ayun.If i were him, seriously i could not take my own attitude.

I know i am not suppose to write anything personal in blog, but i just want people to know and learn a lesson from me, NEVER do it.

like tsha said in the sms (and sha, u make cry,tau. but thanks, love u so much)

"Sya,god give us things we cant handle,no matter how hard it is. Hes just testing us,and you have to know that this is world,there are 2 types of people. to be ruled or to overruled. people who choose to listen and people who doesnt.by listening,it doesnt mean to hear aje, but to also apply,and improve. This world isnt about you or me je. Life is hard and maybe when you did that you feel that its the right thing to do during that time.but u have others to consider. alot of people care for u. What would happen to ur family and friends if ur gone?it wont make their life easier sya. Dont let us down,dont do stupid things. Kesian ayun tu sya, Think of him,and us if not ur family.dont u ever do that again.give it a thought..."

so yeah, now i feel bad and stupid. but most of all, i feel so guilty...

yeah

life sucks. kill me

reality

i think i need help.

yesterday,
i swollowed 4 depression pills( for 8 intakes) and i went to sleep around 3 or 4. when i woke up i cant even walk straight..today, i cant remeber anything, except me punching the wall, my fingers got kepit at the car doors, and trying to jump from a building * i cant recall, ayun said it*

i hate being controlled by people. i whish i have enought money to find my own place and to liwe a new life. im always crying, always streesing. my parents put pressure on me and more stress after Elsa is born. i am happy that elsa is here, but i cant take more, all the nagging and all.

i even threw my phone out of the car.so now im not using any handphone.i lost everybody;s contact nummber, and i dont care. i wish ican run somewhere and being "unkown"

ayun is here to keep me company, he's here when i was so high to remember what i did. i just read his smses that he msg to my and his friends to know whats going on.
guess i wa being an asshole yesterday

maybe the world is not meant for me

tipu kanan, tipu kiri

Yesterday ayun ajak me tengok muvie. actually i thought i wanna watch kami but its at 5 plus, and i didnt want to go back late again. and ayun said he wants to watch tipu kanan,tipu kiri. Being me, i already didnt like it, and i just thought, maybe its not that bad

but damn i was wrong. i was moaning in pain watching that show. i was sighing and i couldnt sit still. i practically feel like crying watching, its very bored and being me, i kinda hate this kinda shows.

i've been bored lately, and i have to really start studying. exams is near and i just want to pass the papers. But then i've been playing a whole lot of PSP. hehe
im crazy for need for speed underground game.

wawawa is there is sumthing i can do to fill up my time
than just me doing shisha, playing game and stuff.
its kinda hard to concentrate to study

hurm

friends.

I have alot of friends, and they come and go.
But i do have certain friends, which i keep them dearly in my hearts
SOme friends, just know me for a while, met online or through friends.
some friends, i knew them for years
When i have problems, the closest to me i share is with ayun.
Rarely i share to other prople except to complain, or when im having troubles with ayun himself.

Even my mum says she doent know who i am anymore
and
Mum says dad is worried about me,
that i've been going out to much, party and enjoying too much
and i did not study at all

I am not myself, but i dont feel like a loser either.
I feel bad about this,
maybe when it comes to studying, maybe im not good at it
When it comes to studies, i shine the least compared to my sisters.

I have nothing to make my parents proud,so they can brag about me with their friends...
Im just, stupid i guess.

I ruin alot of things, and most of the time, i dont mean it
I wish i can take it all back, before i lose my loved one's...



so here it goes

My family
to dad: sorry i always lepak at night, always coming back late.you must be worried sick
to mum: sorry i am always spending your money, and not go to class and study
to kak jackie: sorry you have to pay for my college fees, i hope o dont burden you.
to kak rose: sorry i drop bella once in malaysia, i really dont know how to take care of babies and toddlers back then
to kak mel: sorry i am the manja sister, and u always have to tell me things to do
to amy: sorry for not being a role model sister


and this is to my best friend, Thea,

sorry of what i wrote, sorry for what i did. I mean no harm, and maybe my words let you down, maybe my words are wrong, i never meant it. I never mean to be such a bitter. I dont mean to make u cry. Sorry. I know im such a disapointment.

And also to Tg. Aishah, Beehah, Yaya, and other people i know. Sorry if i make u sad, angry and down

Love you all very much,
Aisyah Adliana Binti Mohd Amran De Costa

shisha

i am graduating on doing shisha. =)
really, i make a good mean shisha now
i borrow nuar's shisha bottle and now i just got the hang of it, doing shisha
susah gak, banyak kerja, nak kena perah,cuci botol, then tebuk lubang,bakar arang
wawawa but itsworth it
I am shisha-ing right now

Tomorrow i have work,
working as a promoter in times square.
and im damn lazy to work!
but then when i think of the money,
i just force myself. im hoping i can work in convention centre again
please wish me luck, i hope they take me in,
its alot better anyway,even the pay is low, but we'll get the money terus.
kalau kerja promoter, gosh the pay is like fuck late.

working promoter like this, have to wait for the cheque, so damn long
harituh kerja walls pun belum dpt gaji. Ayun dah dapat,
guess i really have to kejar.
I am so kering kontang right now, i asked KJ (my eldest sister) for money,
and im jst waiting for ayun to help me here and there,like buy me lunch and such

about studies pulak, gosh i missed damn lot of classes, i just wish that i can cope.
I mean, i just hope i lulus all the paper,
atas tong pun atas tong lah,
i just dont want to repeat and such
and after CAT i prolly want to take a degree.
easier, i mean just have to maintain pointers,
after that also can add 5 papers and grad with ACCA
and i really wanna go oversea and study
lol

see how it goes
wa im so tired lol

lalala kerja lah

work.. i have to work if i want money!
x ada money, x jalan la.
Even mum told me that she's not going to give me money as much as she used to be
so i told her about my plan to extend another sem,obviously she doesnt like it.
I gave her the idea i want to work and study. and she fliped out. she said i missed alot, i fall back alot, and its look like im never going to graduate. lol. but if next semester, i have to take 4 subject. so how am i going to work and study at the same time like that? aiyo matilah..

anyway
i think i screw up a little.

i'm suppose to work tomorrow, but i cant since i have class.
and i really need to go to class.
I kept thinking that is going to be on the weekends,
not including friday
Even is mum checking up on me, calling my college to make sure im going to class
Im pretty sure i upset my agent *sigh*
Im a bit upset too, i really want to work and really find money lorh. @_@

well you cant have it all, i think?
Im going to work again in convention centre, its easier
I can always bully my bf to pick me up from work and such (haha)

Wish me all the best

tattoo

I love tattoo. But i cant have them, because of religion, and my family and friends too.
But if i can have them, here are the tatts that i want!



THis tattoo is inspired by HELL GIRL. If you want to know more about hell girl, go watch anime, or read about it in the net. seriously this tatt is rad



There are many,many sakura tatts lovers out there, including me. seriously if i can have it i would colour it at my back shoulder, creep to the front shoulder, and falls abit on my arm =D (like this one picture down here, but more sakura =] )



I will have tattoo of dragon,rabbit and tiger. in fact i may have to do 7 animals from chinese zodiak of my family. i love my family so much. Dragon is for me, Tiger is for mum,Rabit is for dad. Che semangat gila. Padahal mimpi je lebih ;)
Yelah, mana boleh buat tattoo kannnnn?

The day before yesterday

The day before yesterday i had a bbq. but i was heartbroken cuz none of my friends came except nuar and his clan, and it remind me what a true friend he is, he even finished up all the food. there were 7 of them, finished up 1 1/2 chicken and fish. althought they came at 12am, at least i am happy that they came.

Yesterday i had open house. my, my. It was very busy, a lot of people came, and there were not many of us to take care of everything. Since i did most of the housework in the morning, i asked for the refresh department (meaning i have to topup air kalau dah nak habis) and help around abit, but after 11 of my KPTM friends came, i stop washing the dishes and sat down and chat..mummy took over, and i guess, i felt pity that i didnt help her.anyways, my kptm friends, they were only here for a while, nevertheless, i am glad to see the whole kptm class came raya to my place (even im not studying there anymore). by the time were we done packing up everything, it was already about 8 plus. can you believe it? from 11.30 am until 7.30 pm non stop people coming to my place. i estimate about 100 people, so you guys might wanna think how many dishes to wash and such.the whole day i was being yelled by my family, ask to do work and all, and i instantly yell at ayun (even he did nothing wrong). it's the best open house we had so far =D (even tho its tiring)


today i went raya at To' Puan's house,eat "nasi dagang" (man i miss this food.hard to find in kl,kalau ada ,mahal) and then at Aunty Zaidah's house. she cook a mean speggeti. have u ever tasted spicy spagetti? it doesnt smell the way it is, but it taste nice, i even topup twice *wink2*


I asked ayun if he likes me short hair or long hair, and he said he likes me when the time i had to straighten my hair cuz of the silly punk look-kinda-hair, but i wont never go back to the haorstyle again. i waited so long for my hair to go this long, should i sacrifice it? i like short hair better, im always sweaty anf all, but then sayang pulak nak potong long hair nie.. then again ayin like me woth short hair too.maybe i should. hurmmm...

oh yea my eyes got like an infection or something.it hurts even tho i wink, and it felt hot, wattery and asyik taik mata keluar. i felt so serabut and tomorrow class start already, i dont want to go to class with my eyes like this. EEP!

i'm addicted to my psp, im playing ayun;s need for speed game. yeah.. sedap gak main kete2 nie =D
(by the way, i graduated from the sims 2:castaway game. Kudos for myself! LOL XP)

gotta go. nak mamam laksa, and main game XP

by the way, beehah wants me to mention her name often in the blog ;)
love u beehah =D

3days

3days in a row i cry my tears out.
Today amy came to me when she arrive at lekka lekka,
jet and wan (amy's frind) is there too,
amy was telling me that mum cried all day, wondering about me, when i care no less about her.
Truth is, i felt bad actually,fighting with my mum.
And thats not the worst part, Amy told me, that mum is losing her memory
(and i am losing my mind if this goes on)
but i already told ayun,that i will come back to kajang and behave,
come home before 10 , maximum is 11, (usualy i'll be back around 1+)
and when kak mel deliver the baby, i will help to take care until she goes back tp KPLI (the perguruan thing,) and when she finish the KPLI, so is my babysitting.
It will, bare in mind, i estimate it will be a year i'll be taking care of the baby
and its not easy,

especially when i have plan to move out, to study on my own and all
wish me all the best, even thought i will admit the same problem will arise

Come to think of it, i always write blog when im sad,angry,frustrated,sentimential.
I amlways emo, my blog should be call an "EMO BLOG" or something
Is it just me, or am i having too much problems?

when life let me down

Its not a great year for me.so is last year actually.
I want to change, i want to be better
I stop smoking and i try shisha, is it that bad actually?
I kinda had a argument with my mum yesterday.
Yesterdy, was not a good day to talk with me. I was in a messed,and when mum try to talk to me, it went all wrong, i cried. for like 1 or 2 hours.
it was pretty bad for me. i was stress, I am stress. and mum had to bring all the topics up. My mum says she doent know me anymore. Maybe she doesnt. I am different now, I want a life on my own. I want to rent a place, stay with ayun. Regardless of what she thinks. And so is Ayuns parents.

Here's another story. On sunday amy wants to go back to damansara. Then she went and see kane and i lepak with ayun.He send me home to damansara and guess what, the new keys for the rented place, it doenst fit. so i was stuck outside and ayun came to the rescue. we went back to his house and his mum halau me.how bad could it be? he wanted to send me back to kajang, but thank god he didnt. or not it would be worst to my mum. we went and sleep at 7E, in the van. It wasnt comfy and its kinda hot. im glad that ayun stick with me, throught thick and thin times.
oh and ayuns parent also want to "halau" him out. just cuz he stayed at my place for 2 nights.


And today i turn up to go to class and it turn out my class is cance.now im in college tengah teman budak2 amik exam lol.

hitori

when i brokeup with ayun, i thought it would be easy to forget him by changing my numbers, and stop contacting everyone who knows him. so i send an sms to ieda saying im sorry and that sort, and i think she got pissed off with me. Now san is acting weird to, or i am acting weird. my friends havent msg me saying whats up and all. maybe they're busy.but the point is

i feel lonely

and im back,getting close to ayun, as if we never broke up. i do not know whether i still hvae feeling for him or not. but im clingy on him now.

losing ayun

We brokeup, i asked for it. ANd i cant believe its still am happening.
I asked as i couldnt stand the pressure and the fighting and the disagreement.
Im too hard headed and egoish in a way
I miss him so bad but its all over
He asked me if we could still be friends
and i wanted to, really i want to, but half of me say dont, u cant and all
so im stuck inbetween
i want him, to hold him again
but i guess its all too late to turn back?
Im confusing myself, i cry everytime i remember our sweetest moment together
not that i cry 24/7 but i always always cry when i remeber him
holding my hand, kissing me softly,
cliche i know lah
and its hard, so so hard for me to go to all thru this
4 or 5 years of us knowing each other
4 or 5 years worth of memories,
and this august is our 2nd anni, and we had, or i had plans for that.
GOD. help me thru this

last movie: Get Smart
the last kiss was superb

but the most i cant forget
and it kept replaying in my head even i try hard to shake it off,
is the last, the very last look he looked at me,
those eyes, those moment
it never fails to make me cry
over and over again

Simply me

Ok. So here it goes, stories about me.
I was still young but i knew what pain was
It wasnt just the pain u get from ur knees when u fall down
Or the pain when u feel, when u hit sumthing
I was still young
Didint knew what life was,
and there i was, feeling the pain
My parents were always fighting, were always screaming at each other
Didint know much, but i felt hurt. To see the crying and the screaming
I didnt have much friends when i was young
I USED to cry all the time, in school and at house
No one wanted to be my friend
And i was the loser.
I was the chinese looking girl,,and for that i was a joke
Should i blame them?Maybe its just me, did poorly in making friends
Should i blame my parents?
I didnt know who and what to blame,
and sometimes i feel like i should blame myself
Alot of things happen
From young till now,and althought i make a lot of mistkaes over and over
I'm still learning anyway