this is my blog

My blog is just depressing, just full of sad shits and angry words.
My blog is like my diary now.

I've done proposal for the camp. Finally!
I already send it to KLMU's SIFE leader, fareez. he will alter it abit,
and then submit. But at the same time we're going to do marketing.
And fareez have this vision of 150 students will join. its like..alot

We had some pretty cool new ideas for the camp, dodgeball is one of it. Fareez came out with the idea. I think he went to a seminar, or a meeting and met the dodge ball Malaysian association or something, im not quite sure about how he met the dodge ball team.

I felt like crying. haha seriously. I feel so sad,remembering back about some stuff.
Like amy was fucked up angry with me because i used her laptop. And she wont me bring her laptop anywhere. So i had to delay the proposal.And not to mention have to push back the date to a later time.

Someone asked me, why am i doing this project, my name is not there anyway, im just using ayun's name, and later ayun will get all the credit.
Its like this, ayun's college have this club called SIFE (Student In Free Enterprise) and when i went to the camp i met the KLMUC's Sife president (Fareez). and then i got interested.Now my college is small to start up the club,moreover my college is just like short course and part times students.

Now i decided to do this project, more of copy and paste, the camp. Same site, mostly same activities, althought we do add
more exciting activities. And what the hell im busying my ass of doing this project?
just 1 thing:

Self accomplishment.

I felt so good, so happy that i am finally doing something, but still my family, and my lecturers, think i am wasting my time. maybe, but not for me. This is what i want to do, i focus with all my heart and energy to do this, and hopefully it might work out. I never felt so energize in my life doing something.
And i am sad. I feel happy and i feel sad, both at the same time.
Happy because im finally doing something right in my life
And sad because my family dont see it that way.
Still, i dont need to prove to them in anything
I am just going to do this, for myself. For my only self and not for anyone else.

Haha but i cant do all of it alone, i do need some help from other people... what i mean is that, the proposal, i did the proposal by myself.

yeah whatever. i just follow the flow.

21

In a few days time i will be 21. And i think this year, my birthday will suck.

My mum is not talking to me since the day i told that my handbag is missing,she said that she had given up hopes on me. and im not talking to her too.its her choice. And if i say sorry it doesnt make any difference

Im 21 but i felt like i stuck in a kids feelings. When i was a kid i felt such an adult because i already felt alot of feelings, like depression and loneliness.

On my birthday [monday 16march] i'll be doing my ic. This is the 6th time. pathetic huh.

Im trying my best to finish up the proposal,and on monday too i'll go to ayun's college and bentang proposal. Im not sure they (ayuns friends) are going to do practical joke on me like trowing tepung and telur (ayun kena on his birthday) all ....i want on my birthday i just a small party. Its been years i've had a party with my friends, always with my family , ayun or no one at all

Its depressing talking about this. I cant even buy cupcakes for myself for my birthday!

the moment

Have you ever felt, that you had a problem, but you dont know whats the problem?
I feel that way

Most of my life i felt so depressed.
Even when i was a kid i felt the pang of loneliness.
I was the outcast, people bully me around
I didnt know how to stand up for myself.
I dint have a "voice" back then, i just cry and wept it away.
I was always sick, didnt have much friends and the friends that i have takes advantage of me, staling my things, because i can always get expensive notebook..well not expensive but at least most of my schoolmate cant afford it

When i was a kid i thought i was an adult, because the pain, the feelings that i felt, maybe only one in fifty kids felt it back then.. they dont have to see their parents fighting mostly everyday, they dont have to see the tears of their mother crying and grieving.And i was always sick, i always felt needy of someone. I didnt have any friends, and when i grow up i felt desperate. and when im an adult now, i felt that im stuck in a kid life. [ mcm cerita benjamin buttons je? ]

Now i have Ayun. He is the best lover and a friend i will ever have. I can never have someone to bitch about anything, he likes to bitch with me, and he likes to listen to my lousy and long story, he likes to make me laugh even thought i was crying. I always cry. I asked ayun when he was a kid, did he felt the pang of loneliness.. he said yes.. because his parents was always not around. Ayun and i, are like total opposite world of life, but we share almost the same feelings. And we share mostly everything we have, our stories, our life, our money etc.

I am a very emotional girl. But i am also very passionate. I am passion about the things that i like, the things that i see, the things that i love.

When the feelings, the loneliness feelings come again, i just say "hello, welcome back." it doesnt matter now, most of the time i try to ignore, but sometimes, i just welcome it to my heart, and cry my tears out.

So this is stories about me, mostly in my blog are boring, crappy depressing-stories of me.


gah

Suppose

I was suppose to do a surprise cupcakes for ayun but i think i might cancel it. Yesterday i lost my handbag. sial gila. i even curse and say fuck to every msg that i sent to my sister.i have no money now, well i have its in the bank but i dont have atm card.

Ayun and i fight again yesterday, obviously its my fault, or his. He just reached KL and being an eager girlfriend, she just wants to see her bf. but bf have no mood like that, and she was worried like hell. bf didnt say he wants to go home and rest and hangout with family so gf sedih why bf x nak jumpe?and we have the silly fight he sais he'll stay at bandar tasik selantan if gf dont come, so gf come with her broken stupid fucked-up scooter.he still thinks i keep secrets from him and i scream the secret surprise that i want to do for him.anger. i was really angry. I dont know what i havent told him yet, i think i blurp out everything to him, about my life, my past, my hopes, my future, my addiction, every single thing that i feel, he knows it all. and its sad that he didnt want to share it with me too. from bandar tasik selatan to kajang on the stupid bike, somewhere along i musta have lost my handbag. tried to retrieve it but could find it anywhere. so offically my days will sucks again

Times like this i wonder if ayun ever love me, or what would happen if we're not together. surely he can find a better girl, and maybe i'll stay single. or im not around anymore. Life always suck so i have to suck it up. i always have to suck it up because thats the only thing i can do, and thats the only saying i always say when life gets me down;
Life is such a bitch, but suck it up.

Ive been wondering if the counseling,does it help me actually?
i feel that i am back to square 1.

nothing new

since febuary i've been

-I've skipped 2 weeks of classes
-I've been sick
-I've been feeling like shit again
-Trying my best to be better
-Doing sudoku
-Reading The Lore of Light so i can have a little bit of faith again
-Selling dockers wallet
-Got a seller wanted to buy ten but i think its a scam
-gaduh dgn ayun when my intention is good
-keep a secret from ayun and i cry in front of him cuz i cant tell him
-my sister was like being possessed, keep on being mad at me [but it figures,it does always happen,and i just try my best to be patient]
-weekend is so boring
-staying at home gives me nothing but headache's
-a internet freak again cuz i dont know what do to
-feeling a little bit lost&confused again

gah. so nothing else is new.