Reminiscing about my old life,
I miss the eyelinear
I miss the black clothes
I miss being messy and dont really care about shit of what people are talking about
Now all that is changed. Feel like an adult now.
Yes i am an adult now
Im starting to carry the burden on my shoulder (and yes giving a hell of a back ache too)
Im thinking about marriage. Thinking of starting a family. Thinking of having children
Thinking of buying new house, car, bike.
Thinking about money(and tend to fight about this too)
Where are the good old days,
Am i too young to feel this way?
22 and still wants to enjoy life before she missed out
Friday, December 17, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Raya
This year not so much feeling for Raya, even i have 5 days off from work
Sitting here in front of my sister's laptop, writing this down what it's in my mind
I told ayun yesterday i never regret that i met him
Today i felt that i wish i could turn back time and just never met him
or
I wish i had a really bad accident and when i woke up i forgot him totally forever and ever
I am STILL the worst girlfriend ever. At times i never appreciate him and kept yelling at him.
It used to be, when i see him face i would just forget about everything and smile
The warm fuzzy feeling that i had before is gone now
If i have a bad day it remains that i have a bad day, with or without him
Ayun has been so patient with me all this while.
I wish i can stop this. I wish i have the courage to tell him to get out of my life, cuz i dont deserve such a wonderful guy like him
Sitting here in front of my sister's laptop, writing this down what it's in my mind
I told ayun yesterday i never regret that i met him
Today i felt that i wish i could turn back time and just never met him
or
I wish i had a really bad accident and when i woke up i forgot him totally forever and ever
I am STILL the worst girlfriend ever. At times i never appreciate him and kept yelling at him.
It used to be, when i see him face i would just forget about everything and smile
The warm fuzzy feeling that i had before is gone now
If i have a bad day it remains that i have a bad day, with or without him
Ayun has been so patient with me all this while.
I wish i can stop this. I wish i have the courage to tell him to get out of my life, cuz i dont deserve such a wonderful guy like him
Monday, May 24, 2010
sleepless
Lately im having trouble of sleeping. Too much late nights till morning is my sleeping time. its 6 am as im writing this and im trying hard to survive the day so i can sleep at night, like normal again.
yesterday was like heaven. I havent seen dawn in a very, very long time. even thought my dawn is kl view, but i reminds me why im so blessed to be alive. riding the bike with ayun, riding back to our place in the middle of the morning rush, even though we do not speak, but i felt the "romance"
R.O.M.A.N.C.E
i havent felt that in a very long time. I dont really feel the passionate love between me and ayun anymore. The feeling that we, or i felt before. The feeling where he brush his hand gently to mine can make me fall. But now, every touch is normal. every kiss is not special anymore. I guess in the long run coming to 7 years of relationship can dry things up.
He's been pretty close to a girl, which i have no idea who she is,all i have is her name and i viewed her photos in ayuns FB. i dont ask much as always. Is he trying to make me jealous? Am i jealous?
Do you watch Desperate Housewife?
There's a character in Desperate housewife. Lynette Scavo.Out of all the women in Desperate Housewife, i can relate to her the most. I see me as her. Working hard, working my best, trying to please everyone but me. Countless sacrifices to the husband so they could be happy. But she always not happy. Always not satisfied. Thats me.
Thats how i feel right now.
yesterday was like heaven. I havent seen dawn in a very, very long time. even thought my dawn is kl view, but i reminds me why im so blessed to be alive. riding the bike with ayun, riding back to our place in the middle of the morning rush, even though we do not speak, but i felt the "romance"
R.O.M.A.N.C.E
i havent felt that in a very long time. I dont really feel the passionate love between me and ayun anymore. The feeling that we, or i felt before. The feeling where he brush his hand gently to mine can make me fall. But now, every touch is normal. every kiss is not special anymore. I guess in the long run coming to 7 years of relationship can dry things up.
He's been pretty close to a girl, which i have no idea who she is,all i have is her name and i viewed her photos in ayuns FB. i dont ask much as always. Is he trying to make me jealous? Am i jealous?
Do you watch Desperate Housewife?
There's a character in Desperate housewife. Lynette Scavo.Out of all the women in Desperate Housewife, i can relate to her the most. I see me as her. Working hard, working my best, trying to please everyone but me. Countless sacrifices to the husband so they could be happy. But she always not happy. Always not satisfied. Thats me.
Thats how i feel right now.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
a year +
a year passed since my last post. can you imagine it, a year just gone away.
A year full of emo-ness, my ups and down.
and i dont know where to start.
A year full of emo-ness, my ups and down.
and i dont know where to start.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
this is my blog
My blog is just depressing, just full of sad shits and angry words.
My blog is like my diary now.
I've done proposal for the camp. Finally!
I already send it to KLMU's SIFE leader, fareez. he will alter it abit,
and then submit. But at the same time we're going to do marketing.
And fareez have this vision of 150 students will join. its like..alot
We had some pretty cool new ideas for the camp, dodgeball is one of it. Fareez came out with the idea. I think he went to a seminar, or a meeting and met the dodge ball Malaysian association or something, im not quite sure about how he met the dodge ball team.
I felt like crying. haha seriously. I feel so sad,remembering back about some stuff.
Like amy was fucked up angry with me because i used her laptop. And she wont me bring her laptop anywhere. So i had to delay the proposal.And not to mention have to push back the date to a later time.
Someone asked me, why am i doing this project, my name is not there anyway, im just using ayun's name, and later ayun will get all the credit.
Its like this, ayun's college have this club called SIFE (Student In Free Enterprise) and when i went to the camp i met the KLMUC's Sife president (Fareez). and then i got interested.Now my college is small to start up the club,moreover my college is just like short course and part times students.
Now i decided to do this project, more of copy and paste, the camp. Same site, mostly same activities, althought we do add
more exciting activities. And what the hell im busying my ass of doing this project?
just 1 thing:
Self accomplishment.
I felt so good, so happy that i am finally doing something, but still my family, and my lecturers, think i am wasting my time. maybe, but not for me. This is what i want to do, i focus with all my heart and energy to do this, and hopefully it might work out. I never felt so energize in my life doing something.
And i am sad. I feel happy and i feel sad, both at the same time.
Happy because im finally doing something right in my life
And sad because my family dont see it that way.
Still, i dont need to prove to them in anything
I am just going to do this, for myself. For my only self and not for anyone else.
Haha but i cant do all of it alone, i do need some help from other people... what i mean is that, the proposal, i did the proposal by myself.
yeah whatever. i just follow the flow.
My blog is like my diary now.
I've done proposal for the camp. Finally!
I already send it to KLMU's SIFE leader, fareez. he will alter it abit,
and then submit. But at the same time we're going to do marketing.
And fareez have this vision of 150 students will join. its like..alot
We had some pretty cool new ideas for the camp, dodgeball is one of it. Fareez came out with the idea. I think he went to a seminar, or a meeting and met the dodge ball Malaysian association or something, im not quite sure about how he met the dodge ball team.
I felt like crying. haha seriously. I feel so sad,remembering back about some stuff.
Like amy was fucked up angry with me because i used her laptop. And she wont me bring her laptop anywhere. So i had to delay the proposal.And not to mention have to push back the date to a later time.
Someone asked me, why am i doing this project, my name is not there anyway, im just using ayun's name, and later ayun will get all the credit.
Its like this, ayun's college have this club called SIFE (Student In Free Enterprise) and when i went to the camp i met the KLMUC's Sife president (Fareez). and then i got interested.Now my college is small to start up the club,moreover my college is just like short course and part times students.
Now i decided to do this project, more of copy and paste, the camp. Same site, mostly same activities, althought we do add
more exciting activities. And what the hell im busying my ass of doing this project?
just 1 thing:
Self accomplishment.
I felt so good, so happy that i am finally doing something, but still my family, and my lecturers, think i am wasting my time. maybe, but not for me. This is what i want to do, i focus with all my heart and energy to do this, and hopefully it might work out. I never felt so energize in my life doing something.
And i am sad. I feel happy and i feel sad, both at the same time.
Happy because im finally doing something right in my life
And sad because my family dont see it that way.
Still, i dont need to prove to them in anything
I am just going to do this, for myself. For my only self and not for anyone else.
Haha but i cant do all of it alone, i do need some help from other people... what i mean is that, the proposal, i did the proposal by myself.
yeah whatever. i just follow the flow.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
21
In a few days time i will be 21. And i think this year, my birthday will suck.
My mum is not talking to me since the day i told that my handbag is missing,she said that she had given up hopes on me. and im not talking to her too.its her choice. And if i say sorry it doesnt make any difference
Im 21 but i felt like i stuck in a kids feelings. When i was a kid i felt such an adult because i already felt alot of feelings, like depression and loneliness.
On my birthday [monday 16march] i'll be doing my ic. This is the 6th time. pathetic huh.
Im trying my best to finish up the proposal,and on monday too i'll go to ayun's college and bentang proposal. Im not sure they (ayuns friends) are going to do practical joke on me like trowing tepung and telur (ayun kena on his birthday) all ....i want on my birthday i just a small party. Its been years i've had a party with my friends, always with my family , ayun or no one at all
Its depressing talking about this. I cant even buy cupcakes for myself for my birthday!
My mum is not talking to me since the day i told that my handbag is missing,she said that she had given up hopes on me. and im not talking to her too.its her choice. And if i say sorry it doesnt make any difference
Im 21 but i felt like i stuck in a kids feelings. When i was a kid i felt such an adult because i already felt alot of feelings, like depression and loneliness.
On my birthday [monday 16march] i'll be doing my ic. This is the 6th time. pathetic huh.
Im trying my best to finish up the proposal,and on monday too i'll go to ayun's college and bentang proposal. Im not sure they (ayuns friends) are going to do practical joke on me like trowing tepung and telur (ayun kena on his birthday) all ....i want on my birthday i just a small party. Its been years i've had a party with my friends, always with my family , ayun or no one at all
Its depressing talking about this. I cant even buy cupcakes for myself for my birthday!
the moment
Have you ever felt, that you had a problem, but you dont know whats the problem?
I feel that way
Most of my life i felt so depressed.
Even when i was a kid i felt the pang of loneliness.
I was the outcast, people bully me around
I didnt know how to stand up for myself.
I dint have a "voice" back then, i just cry and wept it away.
I was always sick, didnt have much friends and the friends that i have takes advantage of me, staling my things, because i can always get expensive notebook..well not expensive but at least most of my schoolmate cant afford it
When i was a kid i thought i was an adult, because the pain, the feelings that i felt, maybe only one in fifty kids felt it back then.. they dont have to see their parents fighting mostly everyday, they dont have to see the tears of their mother crying and grieving.And i was always sick, i always felt needy of someone. I didnt have any friends, and when i grow up i felt desperate. and when im an adult now, i felt that im stuck in a kid life. [ mcm cerita benjamin buttons je? ]
Now i have Ayun. He is the best lover and a friend i will ever have. I can never have someone to bitch about anything, he likes to bitch with me, and he likes to listen to my lousy and long story, he likes to make me laugh even thought i was crying. I always cry. I asked ayun when he was a kid, did he felt the pang of loneliness.. he said yes.. because his parents was always not around. Ayun and i, are like total opposite world of life, but we share almost the same feelings. And we share mostly everything we have, our stories, our life, our money etc.
I am a very emotional girl. But i am also very passionate. I am passion about the things that i like, the things that i see, the things that i love.
When the feelings, the loneliness feelings come again, i just say "hello, welcome back." it doesnt matter now, most of the time i try to ignore, but sometimes, i just welcome it to my heart, and cry my tears out.
So this is stories about me, mostly in my blog are boring, crappy depressing-stories of me.
gah
I feel that way
Most of my life i felt so depressed.
Even when i was a kid i felt the pang of loneliness.
I was the outcast, people bully me around
I didnt know how to stand up for myself.
I dint have a "voice" back then, i just cry and wept it away.
I was always sick, didnt have much friends and the friends that i have takes advantage of me, staling my things, because i can always get expensive notebook..well not expensive but at least most of my schoolmate cant afford it
When i was a kid i thought i was an adult, because the pain, the feelings that i felt, maybe only one in fifty kids felt it back then.. they dont have to see their parents fighting mostly everyday, they dont have to see the tears of their mother crying and grieving.And i was always sick, i always felt needy of someone. I didnt have any friends, and when i grow up i felt desperate. and when im an adult now, i felt that im stuck in a kid life. [ mcm cerita benjamin buttons je? ]
Now i have Ayun. He is the best lover and a friend i will ever have. I can never have someone to bitch about anything, he likes to bitch with me, and he likes to listen to my lousy and long story, he likes to make me laugh even thought i was crying. I always cry. I asked ayun when he was a kid, did he felt the pang of loneliness.. he said yes.. because his parents was always not around. Ayun and i, are like total opposite world of life, but we share almost the same feelings. And we share mostly everything we have, our stories, our life, our money etc.
I am a very emotional girl. But i am also very passionate. I am passion about the things that i like, the things that i see, the things that i love.
When the feelings, the loneliness feelings come again, i just say "hello, welcome back." it doesnt matter now, most of the time i try to ignore, but sometimes, i just welcome it to my heart, and cry my tears out.
So this is stories about me, mostly in my blog are boring, crappy depressing-stories of me.
gah
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Suppose
I was suppose to do a surprise cupcakes for ayun but i think i might cancel it. Yesterday i lost my handbag. sial gila. i even curse and say fuck to every msg that i sent to my sister.i have no money now, well i have its in the bank but i dont have atm card.
Ayun and i fight again yesterday, obviously its my fault, or his. He just reached KL and being an eager girlfriend, she just wants to see her bf. but bf have no mood like that, and she was worried like hell. bf didnt say he wants to go home and rest and hangout with family so gf sedih why bf x nak jumpe?and we have the silly fight he sais he'll stay at bandar tasik selantan if gf dont come, so gf come with her broken stupid fucked-up scooter.he still thinks i keep secrets from him and i scream the secret surprise that i want to do for him.anger. i was really angry. I dont know what i havent told him yet, i think i blurp out everything to him, about my life, my past, my hopes, my future, my addiction, every single thing that i feel, he knows it all. and its sad that he didnt want to share it with me too. from bandar tasik selatan to kajang on the stupid bike, somewhere along i musta have lost my handbag. tried to retrieve it but could find it anywhere. so offically my days will sucks again
Times like this i wonder if ayun ever love me, or what would happen if we're not together. surely he can find a better girl, and maybe i'll stay single. or im not around anymore. Life always suck so i have to suck it up. i always have to suck it up because thats the only thing i can do, and thats the only saying i always say when life gets me down;
Life is such a bitch, but suck it up.
Ive been wondering if the counseling,does it help me actually?
i feel that i am back to square 1.
Ayun and i fight again yesterday, obviously its my fault, or his. He just reached KL and being an eager girlfriend, she just wants to see her bf. but bf have no mood like that, and she was worried like hell. bf didnt say he wants to go home and rest and hangout with family so gf sedih why bf x nak jumpe?and we have the silly fight he sais he'll stay at bandar tasik selantan if gf dont come, so gf come with her broken stupid fucked-up scooter.he still thinks i keep secrets from him and i scream the secret surprise that i want to do for him.anger. i was really angry. I dont know what i havent told him yet, i think i blurp out everything to him, about my life, my past, my hopes, my future, my addiction, every single thing that i feel, he knows it all. and its sad that he didnt want to share it with me too. from bandar tasik selatan to kajang on the stupid bike, somewhere along i musta have lost my handbag. tried to retrieve it but could find it anywhere. so offically my days will sucks again
Times like this i wonder if ayun ever love me, or what would happen if we're not together. surely he can find a better girl, and maybe i'll stay single. or im not around anymore. Life always suck so i have to suck it up. i always have to suck it up because thats the only thing i can do, and thats the only saying i always say when life gets me down;
Life is such a bitch, but suck it up.
Ive been wondering if the counseling,does it help me actually?
i feel that i am back to square 1.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
nothing new
since febuary i've been
-I've skipped 2 weeks of classes
-I've been sick
-I've been feeling like shit again
-Trying my best to be better
-Doing sudoku
-Reading The Lore of Light so i can have a little bit of faith again
-Selling dockers wallet
-Got a seller wanted to buy ten but i think its a scam
-gaduh dgn ayun when my intention is good
-keep a secret from ayun and i cry in front of him cuz i cant tell him
-my sister was like being possessed, keep on being mad at me [but it figures,it does always happen,and i just try my best to be patient]
-weekend is so boring
-staying at home gives me nothing but headache's
-a internet freak again cuz i dont know what do to
-feeling a little bit lost&confused again
gah. so nothing else is new.
-I've skipped 2 weeks of classes
-I've been sick
-I've been feeling like shit again
-Trying my best to be better
-Doing sudoku
-Reading The Lore of Light so i can have a little bit of faith again
-Selling dockers wallet
-Got a seller wanted to buy ten but i think its a scam
-gaduh dgn ayun when my intention is good
-keep a secret from ayun and i cry in front of him cuz i cant tell him
-my sister was like being possessed, keep on being mad at me [but it figures,it does always happen,and i just try my best to be patient]
-weekend is so boring
-staying at home gives me nothing but headache's
-a internet freak again cuz i dont know what do to
-feeling a little bit lost&confused again
gah. so nothing else is new.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
the days
i hate feeling sick. sick means i have to stay home, sick means i cant go out, sick meaning no freedom practically.
And i am sick. i still have to take care of esla thought. And thank god for amy's laptop. i'm beginning to feel like smacking the CPU cuz the internet connection too slow. stupid uh.
ok i dont know what to write cuz im kinda blur, with this headache and cold. *sigh*
kak jackie just came back from south africa and she buy me this really cute [althougth simple] bracelet. better than nothing huh
gah.
And i am sick. i still have to take care of esla thought. And thank god for amy's laptop. i'm beginning to feel like smacking the CPU cuz the internet connection too slow. stupid uh.
ok i dont know what to write cuz im kinda blur, with this headache and cold. *sigh*
kak jackie just came back from south africa and she buy me this really cute [althougth simple] bracelet. better than nothing huh
gah.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
